Friday, August 19, 2011

Spread Thin

I don't know what my problem is, but I feel the need to be incessantly busy.

Incessantly.

Over committed. Stressed out. Loosing sleep. Busy.

I'm thinking I might need to start a support group. Busy Peoples Anonymous! Anyone wanna join me?

It's not that I intend to be busy. It just happens. I say yes to one thing, and then another and pretty soon all my "yes'" are piling up in a crazy pile and suddenly I find myself over panicking over how I'm going to get it all done. I begin to wonder if I'm overcommitting myself.

Right now I'm looking at my calendar and making a mental list of the "to do" list I need to pencil on an extra long sheet of yellow lined note paper. But even that is making my heart palpitations beat right out of my chest.

I'm so scared of failure. Letting people down.

Letting myself down.

I've thought about letting go of some of my commitments, but can't imagine each one of them not being a part of my life.

Maybe I just need a support group.

Maybe this is my Type A, need to be organized and good at everything personality shinning through.

Or maybe I'm stressing over something that I don't need to, but just need to sit back, turn off my computer and dedicate some time to crossing stuff off my to do list.

Seems simple.

Then I found this..... Simple. Yet it puts everything into perspective.


So, I think it's time to lay some of these things down at Jesus' feet.....

Monday, August 15, 2011

What Could've Been...

It was like any other family gathering. The beach, the sunset, good food, family, pictures and lots of laughter.

As always my kids were the highlight of the party, running around jumping off of thinkings, blowing kisses, dancing around. I love our family gatherings. Whats more I love my family.

And while it began like all our family gatherings do, it ended in a much different place than it began.

Lately I've been struggling with my strong willed 3 year old. There I said it. I'm admitting it! I'm struggling. Nothing I say, nothing I do seems to get a grip on her behavior and to be honest all the jokes about the terrible threes, just make me dread this next year. Where's my sweet, loving, well behaved little girl? Where is she?! I need her back....

As we were packing up to leave, I was on my own to get the kids home and to bed. My hubby had an amazing business opportunity so he had left earlier in the evening. I instructed my daughter who is 3 going on 13 to stay on the couch and wait with her baby brother for mommy to load the car and I would return for them.

They weren't alone.

They were surrounded by family.

No reason to need me, miss me while I was gone.

Plenty of people to keep an eye on them.

As I walked out to the car I said another quick goodbye to the grandparents and cousins, who had just loaded up their van and were climbing in to head home.

It was dark. Not a lot of lights on the street with the exception of their head and tail lights.

I remember hearing my son start to cry for me, but stopped when someone picked him up. I assumed my daughter was fine, sitting on the couch waiting for my return.

As I opened the passenger car door, I hear a grandma call out to me, "Can you see her?"

Not even turning back to them, I call back, "see who?" Then it dawned on me. 

I turned. All I see is car lights, reverse lights and a little girl standing directly behind the van. This van that's ready to move.

I scream, "I see her!! Hold on, don't back up!" Then I start screaming at my daughter.

"Get back in the house, what are you thinking?" Wrong words, but they came out of panic.

This caused a rush of family to the front door. Everyone witnessing my interaction with my daughter. Not to mention others walking by on the sidewalk.

Awesome. 

My poor, now scared, little girl now runs back inside and back onto the couch where she started. Where she was told to stay. To the safety of a well lit home and family to watch out for her.

As I walked into the house I tried to reason with her and explain to her about how dangerous what she had done was. What if she had been hit? What if they had run over her and not realized it till it was too late?

What if?.... We've all been there.

I closed my eyes to take a breath and in that breath a fast forward version of what could've happened played through my mind.

Then I was reminded with a simple whisper on my heart,
"I am her protector."

Simple. But so powerful. Something I needed to hear. To be reminded of.

God is her protector.

And that's what he did. It was not coincidence that her Nana and cousins saw her run out of the house after her Mommy.

It was not coincidence that they checked before backing up the car.

It was God. It was her protector.

Tonight I'm so thankful for my little girls protector. Thankful that he was watching over her in the few moments that I was not. Eternally grateful that he was watching over her and keeping her safe.

But you better believe we are going to be having the safety talk a lot for the next few years!!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Doubt, Prayer, & Leaving it Behind

I'm having one of those nights.

A night when I'm filled with doubt.

Filled with questions. My confidence is waning. Not sure why. But it's eating at me.

The past week has been challenging, stressful, nightmarish at times. Mostly because I'm my own worst enemy, I create my own drama. I worry about things before there are even things to worry about. I'm so frustrated with myself over this. I want to snap out of it, but I feel caught in this bubble. A bubble I'm working so hard to pop. I become the worst version of myself.

Do you ever feel that way? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who struggles with these insecurities. I'm the only one who ever wonders if I'm living up to others expectations, or even my own for that matter.

I need to stop.

Shut off my computer, turn off my phone. Avoid the distractions of the world and pray. Pray that God will turn me into the woman, wife, mom that he wants me to be. I need to focus on Him, because how he sees me is all that matters. I need to look at myself through my Abba Father's eyes, not my own. Not the worlds.


When I spend that time with my Heavenly Father I'm reminded of his blessings, I rejoice in his goodness. The cares and worries of the world fall to the side and joy fills my heart.

I need to lay how I'm feeling at his feet. Let it go, give it up. Easier said than done, but worth the struggle to let it go. After all I'm human, and I'll be honest there are times when I wrestle to let go of things. I don't know why I hold onto it, but I do.

Tonight though, I'm letting it go.

Leaving it behind.

Laying it at HIS feet.

And walking away.